YOUR PRIVACY IS AN ILLUSION: BANK INTERN 'FAIRY' BURNED BY FACEBOOK PARTY PICTURE WORLD, MEET KEVIN COLVIN; KEVIN COLVIN, MEET WORLD 'I just wanted you all to know that I will not be able to come into work tomorrow. Something came up at home and I had to go to New York this morning for the next couple of days. I apologize for the delayed notice' Good for him! Also good for you, Tulsan: our page 7!, where there is even more inanity than time to see!

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT: MP3 CLIPS FROM TALLADEGA NIGHTS SUITABLE FOR RINGTONES, EMBEDS Larry Dennit, Jr. (Greg Germann): "Early word out of NASCAR is your little obscene gesture's gonna cost you 100 points. Do you know how much that costs us in sponsorship dollars?" Ricky: "Well, with all due respect, Mr. Dennit, I had no idea you'd gotten experimental surgery to have your balls removed." MOVIEWAVS

EXCLUSIVE: HATEFUL 'INFIDEL RINGTONE' NOW AVAILABLE 'Right-click' that puppy straight to yer hard drive, Tulsan! This highly-compressed MP3 is a must-have for the terrorist-fighter in your life!

ROLLING STONE: SOUTH PARK STILL SICK, STILL WRONG WARNING: 'STRONG' LANGUAGE ' "That's the most punk-rock thing you can do in L.A.: say 'George Bush is fucking awesome' instead of talking about how lame it is that he's fighting for oil," says Parker. "The only way to be more hardcore than everyone else is to tell the people who think they're the most hardcore that they're pussies, to go up to a tattooed, pierced vegan and say, 'Whatever, you tattooed faggot, you're a pierced faggot and whatever.' '' He looks very pleased with himself. "That's hardcore."

'SWEET NIBLETS': WHY YOUR DAUGHTER IS A LITTLE TRAMP VOL. MVII: 'VANITY FAIR' POOH-POOHS CRTITICS OF 'HANNAH MONTANAS' NAUGHTY PHOTO ART OR CHILD PORN? ANXIOUS POLYGAMISTS AWAIT ANSWER Vanity Fair in presenting behind-the-scenes video of The Miley Cyrus Shoot: 'Sweet niblets, Annie Leibovitz's photographs of Miley Cyrus sure have caused a stir. As this exclusive video shows, the nefarious photo shoot that has parents threatening to host Hannah Montana bonfire parties was actually a relaxed family event in one of the most picturesque settings imaginable: the green hills of Calabasas, California. Check it out!' VANITYFAIR

IS FARK A VERB, NOUN, OR PRONOUN? ALL THE KEWL KIDS KNOW Last week's goofy death of a foul petty Best Buy cd-thief on 169 is just the kind of thing Fark reports on. Wait, what? Old and busted! Trifectas galore, and Florida, too! And that is just the beginning of the fun with your internet pal, TheTulsan.com!

WORLDNUTDAILY: LIGHTS IN SKY MAY BE PROPHESIED APPEARANCE OF ANGELS 'IN REBELLION' FUZZY ESCHATOLOGY! These Old Testament verses have been enigmatic for centuries, but many Christians believe they refer to a time in antiquity when spirit beings, perhaps angels in rebellion against God, visited Earth and had sexual relations with human women, producing "giants," which is translated from the Hebrew word "Nephilim," which some scholars say is better translated as "fallen ones." GOING DEEEEEP WITH THETULSAN.COM!